Training for Trump’s Apocalypse

 Training for Trump's Apocalypse

August 2016

A racist, sexist, xenophobic oompa loompa with an IQ that would make a goldfish scoff is the Republican nominee for president. His army of straight, white, manbabies are out in full force these days. They take to their keyboards, demanding a return to that great America where they didn’t have to treat anyone other than their fellow straight, white, manbabies like human beings. Global temperatures are breaking heat records. Meanwhile a burnt pillsbury doughboy who can’t be bothered with such silly things as scientific facts is running for president of the world’s second greatest carbon emitting nation.

I’ve read enough dystopian fiction to know where this is going. We are running full speed ahead towards the world of  Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower ya’ll. The only thing protecting the world from the Trumpocalypse are the collective critical thinking capabilities of the American public, and it doesn’t take a Buzzfeed video with a clickbait title to tell you those odds are not in our favor.

In the event that my fellow Americans prove they have fewer living brain cells than a tree stump and decide to shoot themselves in the foot with those guns they love so much, I’m going to be ready.

If the Trumpocalypse Comes Will You Be Ready-

As I am right now, I’m not going to last a week in the desolate anti-woman wasteland Trump and his death eaters are planning to unleash upon the United States. But I figure, they can’t muzzle my liberal, educated mind and lock me in the Kitchen Camps if they can’t catch me. Plus, I’m not much of a fighter. If I stand a chance of joining a half way decent survival team, I need to be useful for something; I’m thinking supplies runs. So, my training begins with building up some long distance endurance.

Fortunately, I was once a hell of a competitive runner. Unfortunately. it’s been roughly 8 years since my last race. But hey, that scrappy little badass must be buried beneath all this college pudge somewhere. I just have to carve her back out.

To start my Trumpocalypse training, I’m using a C25k from ZenLabs, which promises to have me finishing a 5k in 8 weeks. Today marks the start of week 3.

I’m also getting my body adjusted to spending a lot of time outside walking by playing PokemonGo. When society falls, I am confident that Team Mystic will survive. (Be sure to follow me @katsyxo on Snapchat and Oh The Places You’ll PokemonGo on Instagram for updates on my Pokemon journey!) Plus, who knows? Maybe on one of my absurdly long walks I’ll stumble upon a good place to hide when Trump’s Peace Keepers show up.

I am not naive, friends. I know this alone will not be enough to survive an America run by President Trump. But it is a start. I wish you all good luck in your own preparations as we head into the potential beginning of the end.


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  • Kay

    Bwahaha. Not that Trump for president is a laughing matter (because holy shit, terrifying) but this post cracked me up. Good for you for running again! I go up and down with running, consistency-wise, but I’m finding signing up for virtual races great motivation.
    On a completely random side note – I see in your side bar you’re reading Station Eleven! Are you enjoying it? It was entirely different from what I was expecting, but I found it to be such a beautiful book. I hope you like it!